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It's about love, it's about compassion, it's about kindness, and faith. It has nothing to do with luck. You get what you give…

So give good.

15 July 2009

Damaged Goods

Sometimes I think E's deployment has affected me more than I realize. Either that, or I'm PMSing REALLY bad. I woke up this morning and was immediately brought to tears thinking about him going to work today. Yes, it's sad. This isn't me being pathetic, just hormonal. I keep having memories of him leaving after midtour leave to go back to Iraq and it just breaks my heart. I don't know why I get like this; maybe it's just because I felt so isolated when he deployed. I literally had one person who was truly there for me when he was gone, by best friend, N. When I would say I missed him to my mom, who had gone through a deployment before with my dad, she wouldn't even show that she cared. She would ever so condesendingly go "awwww!" everytime I said I missed him and I don't think I can ever forget that. I had another friend who told me I just needed to get over it and now she's trying to say that she knows what I'm going through...because her husband is about to leave for basic training. It might just be me, but I don't see how 15 months in Baghdad compares to a few weeks of basic training.

I wish sometimes that I could be mean and tell people what's on my mind instead of always being the better person and just letting things go. Oh well. What goes around comes around. And I've already been rewarded for being good: I've got my husband. I know this sounds mushy, but I love him so much and he is the best thing to ever happen to me. I have major trust and guilt issues and E was the first person who I could truly trust, and who didn't make me feel bad or guilty all the time. I'm just really frustrated and sick of being lied to, manipulated and treated badly. I'm so afraid that E will be deployed again next year, and it kills me to think of moving back to Blow-hio.

I think I'm just tired and PMSy. I had a hard time falling to sleep last night and then Buddy woke me up way too early being rotten. Now I'm wide awake and he's fast alseep. Figures. I love that rotten pup.

2 comments:

  1. It's hard when it feels like few people understand your situation. I am so sorry and how that the stress lets up soon.

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  2. Deployments are so freaking hard! I think they continue to rear their ugly heads for awhile even after they come back....

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